Top 10 Things I love About Summer

1. My pool.  Hearing the kids and their friends jump around.  Having people who are comfortable enough to come over and share a swim.   A late night dip.  The calm of looking out the window and seeing it. 

2.Not packing lunches.

3. Having my boys home with me.  Love spending time with them.

4. The smell of fresh cut grass.

5. That people sit on their front steps, everyone waves and says hello and people tend to be in good moods. 

6.  Camping.

7. Gardens..mine and other peoples.

8.  Laid back way of life, not so much hustle.

9.  A break from the dance studio.  I love our dance family but by summer it is time for a break. 

10. Strawberries, corn on the cob, blueberries & watermelon.

Death

I sat with a palliative patients for my down time(which surprisingly enough was a fair bit tonight).  It allowed me some time to think about a few things I dont' get to do very often.  It made me realize how thankful I am that I was able to be with both of my parents when they passes.  I think dying alone would be horrible.  Thus the reason I choose to be at this patient's bedside as much as possible.  It also allowed me to have a few solid uninterrupted moments of remembering my folks.  HOw I miss them.  My life is so full of exceptional people, a great man, awesome children, divine and delightful friends, a great church family, a good job, an excellent relationship with my sister and yet still a void.  Mom has been gone alomst 9 years.  That hardly seems possible.  Dad only 2.  yest sometimes it feels as though it was only yesterday.  I realized two things tonight...1)--I have not properly mourned the loss of my DAd and 2)--I wish with all my heart my Mom could be here to experience all the crazy, silly and wonderful things my boys do.  Is it selfish, yes perhaps a bit.  And I realized it's a far away sort of thought, but it does exist.  I know Heaven is a far more grand place than this earth could ever be.  To sit with Jesus would be simply the best feeling.  But once in a while I try to imagine how different it would have been if they were still here.  Than I remind myself it's God's timing--and  have to continue to trust.  As I scribe this my lady clings to her earthly life.  Death is imminent and yet she is still so resistive.  I pray for peace. 

Seasons

I am learning that sometimes you truly go through seasons of friendship.  I think if you are truly fortunate you are blessed with a few pals that go your entire journey with you.  The friends who give up anything at the drop of a hat to help you, to care for your kids, to ask the same favours of you.  Recently I have had a major bump in this journey with a friend of over 20 years.  I have repeated the scenes over and over again.  I read and re-read the e-mails that have travelled back and forth over many miles and from one country to another.  The thoughts of having to let go trouble me greatly, but slowly I am coming to some sort of terms with it.  Am I happy?  No quite the opposite in fact.  Terribly sad and heartbroken.  However I have to move forward, learn from this lesson or lessons and pray that God will allow our paths to cross again.  It's a  real eye-opener for me though.  I've had to take a few steps back and re-evaluate my own self.  Am I as horrible as this person says?  I hate to seek reassurance from others--I feel it puts me in an even more vulnerable position.  So I quander myself and if I am not careful could become grossily consummed by the depressing thoughts and feelings.  I am careful, and I guard my heart.  As I grow older, I'd like to think I am a wee bit wiser and am desperataley searching for the ray of sunshine through this dark cloud.  Can't say I am totally there yet, but what I do know is this.  I would never intentionally hurt anyone.  I thought I was doing my best.  I failed someone, someone who I loved and cherished.  That is a hard pill to swallow, knowing that you have caused someone pain, hurt and confusion by simply not properly communicating.  I know I wish I could have a do over.  Unfortunately I can't.  The upside is that I can work on me, on fixing the error of my ways and putting one foot in front of the other while we both heal. 

Ailments

So I have had a lot of time to think over the past few days.  Some time to ponder some things, time to pray about others.  I have learned many things.  I have totally realized that the devil attacks me where I am most vulnerable....physically.  Dealing with shingles has been rough.  I have had many things in my life, too many surgeries to count, broken bones, cuts, bruises and so on.  It have given me a large pain tolerance.  The funny thing is I used to be the biggest chicken, and still am.  Hate the sight of my own blood, simply because it could mean stitches...and that means a needle.  Yes, I had a bad bad experience as a child.  NOw after much time to think I am putting it all into perspective.  The devil wants to put me back to that horrific time.  And I am weakest in my physical.  NOT ANY MORE!!!!  Some amazing folks spoke some good things into my life and I have received them and am claiming them and standing on them.  This shingles has totally knocked the stuffing out of me.  It is by far the most painful thing I have ever had.  I know that kidney stones are less painful than this.  But there are silver linings, wrapped up for me from God.  I dont have a kidney stone, that is a great thing.  AND this will heal.  It will also allow me to have a better understanding of how my clients feel at work.  I want to be the most compassionate I can be.  This will allow that. 

I have also really missed my mom.  Lets face it, noone makes you feel as good as your mom when you are sick.  (if you were blessed enough to have a great mom!!) I take comfort in knowing that she is at least looking down on me.  I just wish she was here, she would rub my back and tickle my ear with her long finger nails.  That would lull me to sleep.  That is a good memory.  Yes, it pulls my heart strings, but it also comforts me.  I love you Mom and I miss you terribly. 

So I know that I will heal.  I also know that I have lost sight of where I was wanting my life to go.  I have gained that this week.  I have promises to claim, I have still so many folks I want to touch.  I have much desire to be used and be a light.  That keeps me going.  And this pain will be short term, and for that I am thankful.