Seasons

I am learning that sometimes you truly go through seasons of friendship.  I think if you are truly fortunate you are blessed with a few pals that go your entire journey with you.  The friends who give up anything at the drop of a hat to help you, to care for your kids, to ask the same favours of you.  Recently I have had a major bump in this journey with a friend of over 20 years.  I have repeated the scenes over and over again.  I read and re-read the e-mails that have travelled back and forth over many miles and from one country to another.  The thoughts of having to let go trouble me greatly, but slowly I am coming to some sort of terms with it.  Am I happy?  No quite the opposite in fact.  Terribly sad and heartbroken.  However I have to move forward, learn from this lesson or lessons and pray that God will allow our paths to cross again.  It's a  real eye-opener for me though.  I've had to take a few steps back and re-evaluate my own self.  Am I as horrible as this person says?  I hate to seek reassurance from others--I feel it puts me in an even more vulnerable position.  So I quander myself and if I am not careful could become grossily consummed by the depressing thoughts and feelings.  I am careful, and I guard my heart.  As I grow older, I'd like to think I am a wee bit wiser and am desperataley searching for the ray of sunshine through this dark cloud.  Can't say I am totally there yet, but what I do know is this.  I would never intentionally hurt anyone.  I thought I was doing my best.  I failed someone, someone who I loved and cherished.  That is a hard pill to swallow, knowing that you have caused someone pain, hurt and confusion by simply not properly communicating.  I know I wish I could have a do over.  Unfortunately I can't.  The upside is that I can work on me, on fixing the error of my ways and putting one foot in front of the other while we both heal.